BIG NEWS…
WARNING: Gratuitous Allusions to Jessica Simpson’s Hotness Ahead
This just in:
Jessica Simpson is still incredibly hot.
Much has been made lately that Booby McBooberson’s hotness is fading off. And I’m here to say that that is absolutely not the case.
Sure, she let John Mayer poke her nah-nahs for a little while.
Sure, she dyed her hair brown at it made her look like a hypermammiferous witch (though, as this picture shows, she’s still hotter than JLH).
But, I’ll counter those arguments with this:
Jumpin’ Jehosophat.
Cowboy Boots + Tight Jeans + Aviators + Blonde Hair Pulled Back + Assault Rifle = I can’t handle how hot Jessica Simpson is.
Honestly, she’s the kind of hot that is physically painful. Painful for me that is because I want to be on her like proverbial stink on shit. I tense up and get angry that she and I are not consummating our love (yes, she loves me too) at this very moment.
Damn it.
Did I mention she’s hot?
What’s that? I didn’t mention that?
Oh.
Well then…
She’s SOFA KING hot.
Remind me again why Lachey didn’t stick with this?
Granted, she probably doesn’t give it up very often, if at all.
But, isn’t just having this around the house to look at good enough?
Man alive.
Although, I have pictures of her plastered up all over every aspect of my life…my office, my mansion, my 8 Bentleys, the mosaic in my pool…and all it does is make me exceedingly horny all the time and bitter that I haven’t had sex with Jessica and Nick Lachey has.
Anyway, I just want to make sure you were all aware that Jessica Simpson is still WAYYYYY sexy. She’s short, blonde, and has huge tits, great hair, and a gorgeous face.
Oh yeah, and her nether regions look like this:
Nothing could possibly arouse me any more than that.
Except if it were mixed with this:
That is all.
As you were.
but she’s not as hot as me!!!!!!!
Unfortunately, Ashlee, just like your name’s spelling, you’re fucked up and ugly.
Honestly, I can’t think of a person who has less talent and sex appeal than you.
Your sister is just plain hot, and she can get by on that.
But you?
No.
You’re heinous.
You look like a puckered asshole.
Oh, and SWEET punk rock career.
Really.
That was 3 months of the edgiest, most rocked-out nonsense I’ve ever heard in my life.
How come you and Ryan Cabrera didn’t do a duet?
You could have called it “Guess which one of us sucks the worst?”
Petey will kick your ass, Bob!
You shut your dirty, whorish mouth Simpson.
You shut it tight.
And while you’re at it?
Give that a go with your flappy vagina, too, ok?