Not So Solitary Confinement

The news is plastered all over the internet and the television this morning.

Paris Hilton has been released from prison.

And I’m trying to do the math.

First of all, the fuckwit cop/detective/mangina that reported this said something to the effect of “Paris has already served 5 days of her sentence, and due to her reassignment, she’ll now face 45 days total instead of the 23 she’s supposed to serve.”

Ok, dickhead.  She’s only served 3 days.  How is that now all of a sudden 5 days?  Do Paris’ days count double because she has it so damn hard?  Look at how much fun she’s having!

I mean, other inmates have to live in cells half the size of hers, with roomates, in particularly crowded and dangerous areas that have even been reported to have staph infections running rampant within them.  Meanwhile, Paris gets her own, private cell in a secluded wing of an already pussified jail and her days count double?

Secondly, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!  This whole fecal story about her having a breakdown and threatening suicide and needing to be transferred for health purposes?  Holy shit.  I’ve splattered urine stains in untouched snow that have spelled out more creative plots than this.  Who is in charge of orchestrating this tomfoolery?

Let’s just get our facts straight.  Paris got a DUI.  She got her license suspended and even that was pretty nice, considering she wrecked her car.  Then, she was seen riding all over Kingdom Come in various Bentleys, Clown Cars, Bat Mobiles, and on top of large penises.  When she was finally pulled over, she couldn’t produce any documents (including her suspended license) and it was found that she was in violation of probation.  Even after her court date, she was still photographed driving all over the place.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t any normal person go to jail for years for this kind of stuff? 

Then, if all of this isn’t enough, she finally goes to prison.  Not for the 45 days she should, but for a reduced sentence of 23 days.  After barely 3 days in a private cell, it’s determined that Paris is terribly frightened, not eating, not sleeping, and having anxiety attacks.

Like the guys at WWTDD.COM said, “No shit she didn’t like it and freaked out…that’s the point.”

EXACTLY!!!

THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT OF PRISON!

What the hell was she expecting?  What the hell was everyone else expecting?

She’s a fucking no good, worthless piece of testicle skin!  She’s not good at anything!  She flies around on magic carpets, rubbing penis-shaped lamps, and giggling when they spray semen-colored genies and cocaine-flavored wishes all over the place!

SCREW HER!!!

The same guys at WWTDD called the LA cops that are running this shitshow “starfuckers,” and it appears that this is exactly what they are.  I mean, why else would they cater to someone who is technically a criminal?

Seriously, Paris Hilton is a convicted criminal.  She’s honestly endangering the lives of people with her horrific driving.  Have you ever seen her driving without a cell phone in her hand?  Of course not.  That, in and of itself, should be reason enough to ban her from the roads forever.

But, the real crux of this story is that by faking a breakdown, Paris has gotten herself released from prison.  And now, she’s on house arrest in her disgustingly large mansion.

Poor little lamb!  However will she survive in a quadrillion dollar funhouse? 

Ohhh, but not to fear!  Her sentence has been doubled!

Well, what a coincidence!  My hatred for her has doubled, as well!

Mental breakdown?  Suicide? 

Somebody kick her in her gaping maw and torture her, already.

Man alive.

This is like your kid killing his little sister, and you sending him to his room for a week without dinner…except that his room has an XBOX 360, A Macbook, a high-speed internet connection, and a giant vending machine filled with Watchamacallits and Skittles and Porterhouse Steaks.  And then when he’s all fired up on sugar and video games and throws a tantrum, you feel bad and think he’s having a “mental breakdown” and you send him to Disneyland to get better.

But, let me tell you…Paris Hilton has learned her lesson.  Never again will she do what she did.  Next time, she’ll just throw a tantrum and fake a mental breakdown BEFORE the court date and that way she’ll never have to go to prison at all.

And what a great precedent this sets for all of Hollywood, huh?

It’s the equivalent of hanging a giant banner next to the Hollywood sign that says “Abandon hope all ye who enter here…because if you’re a celebrity, you can conduct genocide with a machete and Molotov cocktails and we’ll reward you with a free trip to Six Flags, and a pass that lets you cut all the lines…and all you have to do is wear a special little anklet.”

That’s hot.

~ by Bob on June 8, 2007.