Pao-wer to the People!

I don’t know if you all have heard this news or not.  But, apparently this guy Vang Pao, a former general in the Laotian government, was plotting a coup against Laos’ current communist regime.

I’m not sure if this guy got confused and thought we were still in the Middle Ages, where takeovers were plausible and expected.  Or, maybe he thought we were still in the midst of the Cold War where threats of arms races and Communism were enough to spark mass-support for military uprisings.

But, as far as I know, we’re now in the 21st century.  We have things like jets and missiles that can be fired from thousands of miles away.  We even have these cool things called “nuclear weapons” that can decimate miles of land in one blow.

And this 77 year old dude wants to overthrow the Laotian government with grenades, land mines, and a couple of rocket launchers?  Sorry, buddy.  Halo is a VIDEO GAME, not an actual real-life possibility.

Nonetheless, the fact that so many people in California were involved in this plot really speaks volumes to the potency of the state’s opium.  Really.  I mean, how good must the shit that they were smoking have been to make them believe they could pull this off?  It must have been magical, right?  Like…when Pao took a hit, he must have all of a sudden seen colorful, fire-breathing dragons flying about and throwing him on their backs and promising him the world if he could just get his hands on some grenade launchers.

Now, I’ve actually been to Laos.  I spent a solid week or so there, in fact.  I took a slow boat down the Mekong River.  I bore witness to the fairly disgusting sex trade there.  I saw some incredible caves in the mountains, meandered around in rustic villages, avoided barbed wire buried in the sand.

This is pretty much what the entirety of the nation looks like:

What you should notice about this picture is the complete lack of pretty much anything technological.   I think this is a pretty good description of the country, at large.

Want further proof?

This is Vientiane, the capital city:

Yeah, see?  NOT a big deal.  Sure, they have cars.  Yes, they occasionally have electricity.  Sometimes planes land at their airports or fly through their airspace.

But, they are most certainly not a military threat or a country that needs to be overthrown.  (Although, because of the lack of sophistication in technological terms, I guess I can see how Pao thought maybe a couple missles and some mines would do the trick).

So…this leads us to the real question: What does Laos have that warrants a military coup?

Well, Laos’ two biggest claims to fame, at least in my opinion, are Beer Lao and Marijuana.

If you’ve never had it, Beer Lao is incredibly good.  I’m talking Nectar-of-the-Gods quality, here.  Picture having been on a boat going upstream at 3 miles an hour for an entire day, crammed on a wooden bench between two big, sweaty Germans, in 120 degree heat. 

Then picture getting off the boat into the wildest looking village you can ever imagine, in the dead-center of Laos’ jungle countryside, and being escorted into a cabana with fans, comfortable beds, and a restaurant that serves the most delectable, freezing cold beer you’ve ever had.

On top of this, picture being about 5 beers deep in 10 minutes because they just taste THAT good, and then having a 9 year old Laotian boy walk up to you with a backpack, open it up, and offer to sell you two pounds of marijuana for the eqiuvalent of maybe twenty bucks.

That’s the Laos I know and love.

Due to my lack of familiarity with the Laotian prison system, I did not imbibe in the dope.  But, at least the offer was there and was greatly appreciated.

Anyway, point being that I absolutely can’t understand why Pao and his compatriots wanted to overthrow a government that pretty much consists of four guys sitting behind dirty desks smoking cigarettes.

But whatever the reasoning, I applaud that he tried to start a coup at this day and age.  This kind of stuff doesn’t really happen much anymore and is really notable for its ambitious and totally ridiculous nature.

Mad Props to you, Pao-Money.

~ by Bob on June 6, 2007.